I woke up smoking on my window at 3.21 a.m. Got the most weird thoughts. It's 3 weeks since i'm trying to be less selfish. (= thinking more about what others wish and helping myself to understand other reasons and lives). Still, i cannot do it well. I'm the most selfish being on the planet. I am to blame for most of the nasty things that happen in this world ;) Anywayzzz, i've got new brushes and colours. I'm trying to figure out what can i do, as i decided to give up the old way of doing things. It bugs me off. Sometimes i'm just too confused or dizzy to see what moves near me. I'm so static and unbalanced, that i succeed to ruin everything i start. All this trash around me + my messy floor makes me think about what a chaos i am. I play fool most of the time and pretend i'm fine, but.. i crumble inside, i breath slow, i almost faint when he's not near. I've been painting for nothing, i wish i could say i have something on my mind.
Come and say 'hello'. I badly need this.
"Iubirea nu trebuia sa fie ca un ciocan. As fi vrut sa cuprind lumea" " Liniile intrerupte de pe autostrada se unesc daca mergi repede, dar ele tot intrerupte raman"
sunday afternoon, best time to hang out and be lazy.
i feel a bit chained in my own box, i cannot breathe. I've been writing and drawing a lot lately. The problem is that i cannot put them all together, I cannot put myself together. Like.. i lose all this time, i dream all this time, i crawl all this time, i search that certian arm and that certain smile all over.
I've been climbing my window, just to get a breath of fresh air. i couldn't feel a thing. Now i'm almost asleep on the floor, counting the hours until morning. I just hate that i have to sleep at night. I cannot stay awake because my body hurts, i cannot sleep because i have the strangest dreams and i wake up like insane; then all day is fucked up.
blah blah blah . too lazy to care after all, but i'm missing...
mda, deci nu pot sa dau hide sau cv de genul la ce am postat pana acum. si nici sa le sterg nu ma lasa inima. nu de alta, dar ma mai amuz si eu de una alta. Ideea e ca sunt de ignorat, nu de citit, decat daca are cineva timp de pierdut sau un interes deosebit pt stari schizoide de cea mai slaba calitate. Adica eu le apreciez, stiu ce am in cap si ce bazaie acolo, dar .. well.. whatever. nu mai conteaza.
Tired of people who won't know how to get closer.Tired of being so involved and still feeling nothing. Tired of faking it, tired of compromising, tired and vomiting over my tired mind and pretending i'm doing something useful. Tired of smiling without believing it, tired of falling for details, tired of being in love with the wrong guy, tired of filling my tormented soul with words and images i honestly dislike, tired of talking to shallow people just because i'm a social animal, tired and vomiting over my stupid and weak mind. Today i went out all by myself, just because i wanted to smoke and have a drink and have a clever conversation with my deadly self. Told my mother that i was going to have a coffee with an old friend and ran out. I don't remember very well what i've done while being outside my house, i just know that this evening caught me half-depressed.